The Kitchen Sink - Unveiling of a Sarcasm Font

The weather in Korea is bitterly cold today and I’ve cancelled my customary Saturday morning hike in the woods.   While Hyesuk has made me promise to go to the gym tonight, I’m free to do as I please for now.  I could take care of the dirty dishes in the kitchen, but I’ve instead succumbed to the temptation of sitting down at the computer with a hot cup of coffee.  Besides, I’m certain the dishes will mysteriously take care of themselves and I wouldn’t want to disturb the dreams of my dog Sam, who is curled up and sleeping at my feet.  I’ve noted the time and will let you know when the kitchen is clean.

Since I’ve been avoiding the computer and writing for the last month, my head is fairly full of thoughts and ideas I’d like to share.   No update yet on the dishes, but I now hear the sound of the washing machine in the background.

 

Sarcasm Font -   The idea for establishing a sarcasm font isn’t new.  The online community has long recognized a need to bridge the gapping divide between verbal and written understanding.  Painstaking efforts have even been made to create numerous sarcasm fonts from scratch.  All these well-meaning efforts have failed for one simple reason.  It’s nearly impossible to get everyone in the world to download and install the fonts on their computers.

Having lived in Asian countries for a good many years, I’ve witnessed their talent for taking a good idea and finding a way of putting a finished product into almost every American home.  I’m certain this cultural exposure was a significant factor in a flash of inspiration I experienced late last year.   Why don’t we just take a font that is already loaded on everyone’s computer and designate it as the “sarcasm font?”

Certain that worldwide designation and implementation of a sarcasm font was well beyond the capabilities of a single individual, I consulted extensively with a panel of experienced Information Technology professionals and leading sarcasm experts.   The overwhelming consensus pointed to Microsoft Word’s “Comic Sans” font as the ideal candidate.  Even without designation, sarcasm already seems to leap from the page whenever it is used.  To enhance the visual experience and provide an even greater level of granularity, the panel recommended using variations of green to further clarify meaning.  A lighter shade of green is intended to convey a light-hearted, friendly jab while the darker shades evoke cutting, even cruel, intentions.

 

While my daughter was visiting over Christmas vacation, I proudly informed her of my achievement.  Laura’s response was unexpected;

“Do you realize you’ve ruined sarcasm?  Now even the idiots will know when it’s being used.”

Ouch!  I now better understand Robert Oppenheimer’s reservations over developing the nuclear bomb.   Maybe, we’ve gone too far.

Kitchen Update- Sam is still sleeping and our dishes remain soaking in the kitchen sink. Noise from the washing machine, dryer, and vacuum cleaner is making it hard to concentrate, but I don’t see any benefit in opening my mouth.  Since it now appears to be taking a prominent role in today’s blog, I slipped over and took a picture of the dirty dishes.  It’s probably a crime in Hyesuk’s mind.  If necessary, I’ll ask for a pardon later.

A Belated Apology – When our parents would leave us “Home Alone” for a few days, they’d often ask my Uncle Chub and Aunt Doris to keep an eye on us.   On one particular occasion, Gary and I were thoroughly enjoying our vacation from parental authority.   However, enjoyment was quickly replaced with apprehension when our cousin Pam flagged us down on Main Street to let us know we were in a predicament.

 

Aunt Doris had dropped by the house to check on us.  Thirsty, she went to the kitchen sink to pour a glass of water.  Earlier that day, I’d placed a rubber band over the spray hose’s handle and pointed it to where I expected my brother would be standing.  After wiping herself dry, Aunt Doris headed downstairs and barely missed being drenched by a bucket of water triggered to dispense at the opening of a door.  She wisely left the premises to avoid any remaining booby traps.

While we spent the next few days looking over our shoulders for Uncle Chub and had to deal with Mom when she got home, I don’t believe I’ve ever directly apologized.  Aunt Doris, I’m sorry about spraying you.  Gary will have to apologize for the bucket.  I’m just thankful you didn’t open the utility room closet or make a snack out of any of the leftovers in the refrigerator ;)

Kitchen Update 2 - Sam has left my side for the kitchen.  Whenever, one of us is in the kitchen, Sam makes a point of hanging around.  You never know when something good will fall to the floor.   From my perspective, the sound of clanking dishes is preferable to the vacuum cleaner.

Forgiveness - I’ve decided to forgive my sister Chris for driving to school by herself and making Gary and I find our way on foot in the bitter Eastern Colorado winter.  I’ve come to the realization that the potential embarrassment of being seen with us certainly outweighed the short-term misery of our trek.  (Laura’s point about using the sarcasm font is starting to sink in).  If Chris can forgive her son Josh for setting the trunk of his car on fire, I’m now convinced that I’m genetically capable of finally letting this one go.  Forgiveness isn’t about rationalizing real or perceived offenses, it’s about letting them go.   What the world really needs is a sincerity font ;)

I forgive my Uncle Ed for stealing my Aunt June away from me.  From the moment I met her, I had a deep crush on her.  I don’t remember her exact words, but when asked what she thought about Uncle Ed, she told me that she wasn’t all that impressed with him.  A little spark of hope was enough to convince me she’d wait until I grew up.   While I wasn’t happy at the wedding, I still understood my Uncle Ed.  We shared the same infatuation, he did find her first, and I wouldn’t have thought twice about throwing him under a bus if I’d been given the opportunity.

I’m also forgiving my Aunt Sandy for spanking Gary and me with a hair brush.  I’m certain the original disciplinary action was more than well deserved and at a level barely noticeable on the scale of what we were accustomed to receiving on a regular basis.  I’ve brought the incident up every time I’ve seen her over the last 40 years and level of brutality she inflicted has been progressively exaggerated with each telling.  To be honest, I don’t think it has ever really bothered me.  I just enjoy bringing it up.

 At the risk of reopening a can of worms, I forgive my sister Carol and her friend Cassa for attacking me with a broom over a heated dishwashing dispute. I also owe her an apology and a thank you.  The apology is for my instigation of the attack and the thank you is for not ratting me out.   I wouldn’t have mentioned it all if the aggravated employment of a broom in a housework dispute wasn’t such a great segue into my next paragraph.

 An Interruption -  Have you ever stepped away from the computer, for just a moment, only to find that you’ve lost the whole weekend?  While I was intently reopening a can of worms with my younger sister, I was rudely interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone.  Hyesuk called asking for a ride home.  I hadn’t even realized she left the house.  On such a cold day, I have no idea how she got so far away on foot or why she didn’t take the car in the first place.  On my way out, I took a picture of the kitchen sink before adding the dishes that somehow gathered around the computer.

 I picked Hyesuk up and we went out for lunch and some shopping.  Why is a brisk hike in the woods invigorating, but a slow meander behind a shopping cart so exhausting?  Washing the car, a trip to Seoul and a Super Bowl (Monday morning in Korea) later, my three-day weekend is left with only a few remaining hours.  Fortunately, Hyesuk is at work and I’ve left my cell in another room on vibrate.

Foregiveness resumes – I forgive my sweet wife for maliciously pursuing me through our home with a broom and forcing me to barricade myself in a bathroom in mortal fear for my life.  We’d been married for a little over a year and some good friends were coming over for dinner.  Time was running short and Hyesuk was asking me to help get the house ready.  My strategy to continue sitting on the couch watching TV and ignore her seemed to be working.  However, I didn’t like the tone of her fourth request, and responded with, “Why should I have to help?  You’re the one who invited them.”  A fierce shriek and a fiery-eyed, broom-waving terror coming at me from the kitchen brought me instantly to my feet and darting for the bathroom.  My heart beating fast from adrenalin, I planted myself firmly against the door as Hyesuk vented her rage.

After the initial turmoil subsided, I negotiated the terms of my surrender.   If she promised not to hit me, I’d come out and help.  To this day, she claims she never had any violent intention and was just trying to scare me.   If true, I think she missed her calling as an actress.   

A New Ending - My original plan for ending for this blog was to graciously display my mature domestic wisdom (and prevent Broom Attack II) by taking Hyesuk somewhere nice for lunch. Displaying a picture of the clean sink at the end would neatly conclude the housework thread and give everyone a heartwarming sense of closure.  However, that was two days ago. Today, I’m torn between cleaning up the mess I’ve made and taking a nap.  The nap idea seems to be winning.  Maybe I’ll wake up in time to clean the kitchen and make dinner.  In case I don’t, I’ll hide the broom.