Every so often, I see something on the Internet irks me so
much I’m compelled to respond. Several
years ago, (I’ve never claimed to respond quickly) I read an article (link
above) by a Mr. Jake Swearingen disputing “Cow Tipping,” a hallmark activity of my youth. Those of you who know my brother Gary, will surely
consider the plausibility of his founder claim (or at least being one of the
early pioneers). Having been right beside him in the early days, I can’t recall
anyone ever accomplishing the feat before us.
For the Millennials among us, imagine reading an article 40 years from
now asserting your generation never consumed a single Tide pod or even the existence
of something as temptingly easy as planking.
I’m guessing you’ll be overjoyed
about creating a permanent record of your accomplishments in the cloud and will
quickly task your virtual assistant to research, draft, and post a pointed
response.
There will always be those who question whether man ever really
landed on the moon, whether the president was actually born in America, the
certainty of the impending ice age, or one of the crowning achievements of my
generation, "Cow Tipping." Today, technology is making
it harder on the deniers. Those of us with an adequate amount of common
sense will quickly accept the photo above as positive planking proof. While I never accepted the Tide pod challenge, and
probably wouldn’t admit it if I did, some might say, “Kelly must have only had powder or liquid in the house.” I’d beg
to disagree. Unlike a small minority of
our generation who’ve somehow beaten the odds and survived, I like to think I’ve matured and only still participate in low risk events absent of
physical discomfort.
I’d never consider encouraging the younger generation to
emulate the truly foolish members of my generation, but the following video shows
we still have a few who are still overcoming the odds and remain with us.
While I can’t imagine any circumstance where slapping a bear
on the butt is a good idea, tipping a cow under the tutelage of an experienced
hand, while somewhat risky, will produce a memorable life experience. However, I would recommend anyone undertaking
a cow tipping adventure be able to distinguish the difference between a cow and
a bull and it’s always a good idea to inform the rancher beforehand.
Getting back to my original purpose of proving Mr.
Swearingen wrong, I believe it’s worthwhile to refute a few of his key points
for the benefit of those who haven’t yet experienced a successful tip and may still
be a little skeptical. In his article, Mr. Swearingen asserts cow
tipping never existed because there isn’t a documented record on social media. My abbreviated response is “duh!” In the 1970s, social media was rotary phones
connected to land lines (often shared).
While video technology was in its infancy, the cameras were large, didn’t
work well in the dark, and priced well above the means of the usual cow tipping participants.
Mr. Swearingen also paints an unrealistic scenario and
cherry picks variables designed to support his supposed scientific proof. His claim that cows don’t sleep standing up
doesn’t account for the presence of cactus.
Would you be willing to lay down on a cactus plant? Additionally, a quick Google search will show
the average weight of a Jersey cow is considerably less than a Holstein. Correct me if I’m wrong Gary, but in all our
attempts I don’t remember ever encountering a single Holstein. Perhaps the most significant misassumption,
is his physical calculations are based on level ground. Anyone who’s ever been in eastern Colorado
can’t deny the ever-present wind. Cows
naturally seek sleep on the back side of hills to escape it. Approaching the cow from the opposite side of
hill is key to accomplishing the difficult task of approaching the cow
undetected. Moreover, factor in a 10-30 degree slope and the probability of a
couple of enthusiastic youths succeeding exponentially improves.
I'm somewhat disappointed in recent developments to automate the tip (above). I'm sure the success rate is much higher, but at the unfortunate expense of most of the intangible benefits.
It’s truly a shame when a generation neglects to pass on its
best to those who follow. For those of
my generation who’ve experienced the thrill and personal gratification of
tipping a cow, I challenge you to enlist the support of several of our youth,
instruct them in the proper strategy/technique, and document your success on
social media. While the doubters will
likely cry fabrication, a new cohort of believers will be established.
